Tuesday 9/15 - 4:45AM

I am at the the edge of my bed.

Just put my feet on the ground.

I can feel the soft, cool carpet work it’s way into my toes. I’m up 15 minutes before my alarm trying to do one of life’s simple tasks. Breathe. Deep breath through my nose. Sounds like a train wreck. No air is getting through. Another deep breath through my nose; once denied access to air traveling through my nasal passages. I sound horrible. I feel horrible. Doctors are weaning me off of cortisone steroids that have been reducing various bodily inflammation; as we wean off the drugs my sinus inflammation has increased. The sounds of congestion stirs Ann. The sounds of congestion turns into sounds of a soft sob.

Head in hands at the edge of the bed I cry in the darkness of my bedroom in the early morning hours.

Ann: “What is wrong? Why are you crying?”

Me: “I’m tired. I’m worn out. I can’t breathe. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Every morning I wake up in pain.”

Ann: “I know you are worn out, but you can do this. You need to be on the road by 5:15. Can you do it?”

Me (still crying): “I don’t know. I just don’t know if I want to drive 2.5 hours to get poisoned and feel like shit again.”

Ann: “What can I do to help?”

Me: “You do more than enough. I love you.”

I stand from the bed and fumble for my clothes. I have to be at UNC by 7:45am for chemo. I don’t want to go. But I know it’s the only thing keeping me alive. I know it is saving my life. I know it is going to make me feel like shit. I know I must fight through the mental and physical battles, I must fight through the tears, I must fight through the exhaustion. I kiss Ann on the forehead as I leave the bedroom. She knows I love her with every inch of my body, I don’t have to tell her “I love you” but I do anyway.

A quick breakfast of yogurt and Red Bull and I hop in the car and begin my journey to UNC.

I have created a soft rumble of THUNDER. I am not loud today. But a muted rumble you hear roll across your backyard from storms 20 miles away. But I rumble. That is the important part.

...

What is THUNDER?

Simply put thunder is the sound caused by lightening. More detailed explanation is thunder is a reaction to the sudden increase in pressure and temperature that lightning produces from the rapid expansion of the air within and surrounding the path of a lightning strike. In turn, this expansion of air creates a sonic shock wave; of thunder.

So thunder is a reaction to event (lightening) and depending on how powerful this event is the reaction can be bigger or smaller.

I think we have all heard the different types of thunder. From the low rumble to the lightening strike in your backyard that creates thunder that shakes your doors and windows. Thunder carries power. Thunder carries energy. Thunder lets people around it know, “Hey! There is some crazy shit going on over here so I am going to be loud!”

There is THUNDER in all of us.

...

The power of Thunder is around us all of the time; many of us have been shaped by Thunder and not even know it. Pop culture loves thunder. There are tons of movies and songs that have Thunder in the title or use the power of Thunder as a metaphor. From my personal favorite Thunder Road to Tropic Thunder; or Garth Brook’s The Thunder Rolls to AC/DC’s Thunderstruck. Thunder is everywhere you look and listen.

But why so many movies, shows, and songs devoted to Thunder?

...

“We have found a cancerous tumor in your nasopharynx.”

A lightening bolt.

A dagger of shock, electricity, and power thrown by none other than Zeus himself into the heart of my family.

A lightening bolt so large there is only one possible outcome.

Ground shaking, earth quaking Thunder that is so loud and forceful it will rattle your house and make your children come crying into your room when it claps back and crawl into bed for safety.

This is the only option.

Can I create this THUNDER?

...

It will be nine months next Wednesday on 9/23/20 since I have been diagnosed with cancer.

All of you have followed my journey and been there for support. You all have seen the THUNDER I can create as I react to this disease. And I have first hand seen the THUNDER you all can create as a group around me.

Sometimes we rumble. Sometimes we violently shake the earth. But as long as we let the world know we are reacting to the lightening we are heading in the right direction. There has to be THUNDER or we won’t be able to continue fighting this disease.

My Thunder was quiet that Tuesday morning. I have had some very loud, boisterous thunder the past nine months, but not that week. I have fought this disease with all we have (here are some stats for you: 38 doctors appointments, 15 radiation treatments, 2 surgeries, 12 ct/mri scans, 7 nights in the hospital, 5 rounds of immunotherapy, 10 rounds of chemotherapy) and a low rumble is all i could produce that morning.

But you know what?

I rumbled.

I reacted to the lightening bolt of shit that that has been piled onto my family.

I got out of the bed. Wiped my eyes. And I did not let cancer win that day.

...

So where do I stand with my disease. I was scanned on 9/8/20 and my cancer is behaving nicely. My sinuses are clear of cancer and all of my lung tumors are stable and/or down a couple mm.

The THUNDER is working.

...

I’ll leave you with this Thunder pop culture reference. “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons. My kids love Imagine Dragons, so it gets played a lot around our house. Also, they jam out on their headphones.

One afternoon Micah with his headphones on yelling to me “Dad have you heard the song Thunder!?” Of course I have. “Do you hear what they say at the end?” Yes, Micah. They say Thunder like a bazillion times. “They are saying never give up in the background, it’s a hidden message!!”

Do what?

I throw on my headphones and listen. Sure enough. There is a background chorus of “never give up” at the end of the song.

But why?

We must constantly react to the lightening bolts thrown at us. Create THUNDER daily. If you don’t react, you lose. Whether you rumble or shake the house, create your own thunder. Never stop, never give up on what cause you are reacting to.

I am not giving up on this fight. NEVER. No matter how many mornings I have to cry in bed. How many more trips to UNC I have to make. I will rumble when I have to and shake your fucking house down when I have the power to do so. THUNDER. THUNDER. Lightening then the THUNDER. (Listen at the 2:40 mark).

What will your THUNDER be today?